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The Salonniere Speaks
May. 18th, 2005 12:03 pmDuring the Enlightenment, when intellectual exchange in France was in part carried on by means of discussions held in the salons, or living rooms, of prominent and affluent women, there was a common undertanding of the rules by which discourse was to be conducted. These ground rules were distinctly gendered: women hosted the party, and men attended and discussed. Women did not contribute to the content of the discourse, but they did manage its conduct. The salonniere, or hostess, was responsible for ensuring that her male guests, whom she had hand-picked to attend, remained with the bounds of politeness whilst hashing out the nature of humanity and the best sort of government and education for human beings.
I have been thinking about these women lately as I watch a rash of rude, ill-bred gits spam the comments of any number of my friends. Some of them are so craven as to vent their bile anonymously; some are so brazen as to step into the salon of another, uninvited, and rudely assume that they have the authority to pass judgement on participants, rather than offering an opinion to them.
So, in the interests of civility, I would like to offer my particular take on the new salon, and its new etiquette.
The owner of a blog, a LiveJournal, or any other online diary or journal is, in effect, a salonniere. S/he is indeed inviting the public into a private dwelling, but that invitation does NOT make the dwelling into a public space.
If you step into that private space, you are bound by the rules of conduct established by its owner. There are no uniform rules of conduct that apply to all webspaces at all times. You may not assume that simply because you can walk into it, any old webspace is a public soapbox, and that any disinclination on the part of that space's owner to allow you to use it as such is an abrogation of your right to free speech. You have a right to free speech, you see, in PUBLIC. You have no such right IN MY LIVING ROOM, even if I left the door open.
This confusion about public and private in the blogosphere seems pretty ubiquitous.
Now, I'm hardly advocating for universal silence or fear of conflict. Some salonnieres enjoy rough-and-tumble debate, and even open flamewars. I've been in some of those salons, written in them, danced the dance, played the game. I learned much, both about people and politics. However, before I ever torched a single opponent, I asked the site's owners if it was ok to use my flamethrower in their living rooms.
So, here are my suggestions for you who wish to enter into discourse in the blogosphere:
1) If it's at all unclear, ask if it's ok before you turn up the snark.
2) Disagreement, my friends, need not be rude. It's not hard to say 'I disagree' or 'here's a different perspective' before you share what you're thinking. All it takes is the assumption that you have but one opinion to offer, rather than TEH ONLY ANSWER FROM ON HIGH. It does not make you weak to approach things in this way. Furthermore, disagreeing by judging another person, rather than an idea, is not cool. If you enter a person's home, appraise their furniture, and call them 'tasteless fashion hacks,' rather than saying 'I personally do not like that couch,' that pretty much makes you an asshole, and after that, you deserve what you get.
3) Don't whine about free speech if you find yourself getting deleted. Get your own site and speak there as freely as you want. Sure, some folks are quick on the delete key and can't take even polite disagreement. So? Do you need the whole entire world to agree with you and acknowledge your righteness? That's pretty damn weak. Shrug it off and go write elsewhere, you beautiful and unique snowflake, you.
4) Being invited into the living room does not mean you have been invited into people's bedrooms, closets, basements, attics, or gloveboxes. You have no automatic right to go into those places. Don't bitch about friendslocking; don't bitch if you poke around or ask nosy questions and get turned away from areas where you're not welcome.
These are the rules under which my personal salon will always operate. I would ask that anyone invited to step into my living room please keep this in mind. I will continute to take the 'someone else's living room' ethos into every blog I visit and discuss in, and if I blow by a rule, I sincerely hope I would be alerted at once, so that I would have the opportunity to correct my social gaffe.
So speaks the salonniere. Because in THIS space, I DO get to pass certain judgements.
I have been thinking about these women lately as I watch a rash of rude, ill-bred gits spam the comments of any number of my friends. Some of them are so craven as to vent their bile anonymously; some are so brazen as to step into the salon of another, uninvited, and rudely assume that they have the authority to pass judgement on participants, rather than offering an opinion to them.
So, in the interests of civility, I would like to offer my particular take on the new salon, and its new etiquette.
The owner of a blog, a LiveJournal, or any other online diary or journal is, in effect, a salonniere. S/he is indeed inviting the public into a private dwelling, but that invitation does NOT make the dwelling into a public space.
If you step into that private space, you are bound by the rules of conduct established by its owner. There are no uniform rules of conduct that apply to all webspaces at all times. You may not assume that simply because you can walk into it, any old webspace is a public soapbox, and that any disinclination on the part of that space's owner to allow you to use it as such is an abrogation of your right to free speech. You have a right to free speech, you see, in PUBLIC. You have no such right IN MY LIVING ROOM, even if I left the door open.
This confusion about public and private in the blogosphere seems pretty ubiquitous.
Now, I'm hardly advocating for universal silence or fear of conflict. Some salonnieres enjoy rough-and-tumble debate, and even open flamewars. I've been in some of those salons, written in them, danced the dance, played the game. I learned much, both about people and politics. However, before I ever torched a single opponent, I asked the site's owners if it was ok to use my flamethrower in their living rooms.
So, here are my suggestions for you who wish to enter into discourse in the blogosphere:
1) If it's at all unclear, ask if it's ok before you turn up the snark.
2) Disagreement, my friends, need not be rude. It's not hard to say 'I disagree' or 'here's a different perspective' before you share what you're thinking. All it takes is the assumption that you have but one opinion to offer, rather than TEH ONLY ANSWER FROM ON HIGH. It does not make you weak to approach things in this way. Furthermore, disagreeing by judging another person, rather than an idea, is not cool. If you enter a person's home, appraise their furniture, and call them 'tasteless fashion hacks,' rather than saying 'I personally do not like that couch,' that pretty much makes you an asshole, and after that, you deserve what you get.
3) Don't whine about free speech if you find yourself getting deleted. Get your own site and speak there as freely as you want. Sure, some folks are quick on the delete key and can't take even polite disagreement. So? Do you need the whole entire world to agree with you and acknowledge your righteness? That's pretty damn weak. Shrug it off and go write elsewhere, you beautiful and unique snowflake, you.
4) Being invited into the living room does not mean you have been invited into people's bedrooms, closets, basements, attics, or gloveboxes. You have no automatic right to go into those places. Don't bitch about friendslocking; don't bitch if you poke around or ask nosy questions and get turned away from areas where you're not welcome.
These are the rules under which my personal salon will always operate. I would ask that anyone invited to step into my living room please keep this in mind. I will continute to take the 'someone else's living room' ethos into every blog I visit and discuss in, and if I blow by a rule, I sincerely hope I would be alerted at once, so that I would have the opportunity to correct my social gaffe.
So speaks the salonniere. Because in THIS space, I DO get to pass certain judgements.